I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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