what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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