anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
