If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
