hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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