Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize