I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
