so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
