I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
