Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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