omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
