three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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