i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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