I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
