My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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