BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
