I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
