Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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