Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize