$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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