i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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