I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
he fucked my hip out of place.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
