At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
