Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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