I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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