I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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