To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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