He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
