seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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