I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My feet surprised me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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