you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
