remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I deserve this hangover.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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