I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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