So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
