If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
