I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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