Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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