Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
