you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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