I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
