i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
