i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize