I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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