i can't believe i had my finger in that
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
