Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
