This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
