The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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