I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
