The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
