The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
