Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
