so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
