he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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