last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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