She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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