remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
