and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
