I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
